Feel very odd. Its not quite a lonely feeling, but...this is weird.

I'm really scared for him guys. He keep friending me like he really wants my attention and I haven't been able to give it to him.

I scared what he might do. Guys We really need to help him. jglejz man, We're here for ya.

Two problems just hit me:

One: The level of my Martial Arts choreographer depends only on the skills of my actors.

Two: INJURY! I have to make some big impacts in the movies, someone could get real hurt one day, I can't do all the stunts. Guess I'll have to find away to mask fake hits and thing that have just as much dynamics but less likely to really hurt someone.

I think that a giant box turtles named Boxxagustus roaming free in the backyard is a wonderful idea. 

I haven't the urge to celebrate my birthday since I was 14, I rode it off as a way to celebrate mediocrity. Everyone has a need to want to feel special, and that is why they do this every year, to lift themselves up from such humble lives. I never really thought about it till today.

Still, as cold as it may be, its best not to make a fuss over it, No need to lie to yourself.

It is 11:45 I am outside of my work. I plan to go with Tyler to lunch at Whattaburger at Noon. I get a call.

Tyler: C'mon!

Eric:What!?

Tyler: Lets go!

Eric: Don't boss me mother******! I'll be there!

Tyler: Fine!

It about 11:48, Workers that leave early for lunch are not looked well upon, however My boss can't see me and I figure Tyler foreman has been long gone. So I go and  take my lunch careful not to be seen by any pimps (snitch) or loudmouths.  The Operation is a success, on my part. Right as were pulling up to get our eat on. BAM! There Rudy, Tyler's boss! Rudy Smiles big, points and laughs.  Tyler's head goes now my laugh goes up "Man Tyler I should got  a knife and hled you hostage or something! Saved you the trouble!"  We Get back to work and I'm home free...Until I get outta the restroom where my Boss gives me the "c'mere" finger.

Eric: Yes'ir!

Bossman: Hey... So what did you and TYler get when you left?

Eric: We went to get come Whattaburger! Man, I told him to invite you but you already left!

Boss: Oh yeah, Naw I was right outside smoking, when I saw ya'll leave...  : )

Eric: Ha! ..... Never again, Sir.

Boss: Ok. : )

The race at 21 is starting with a faceplant.

I love the fact that my single relationship with a girl started out as a fight as to what I was allowed to call her...   And even after I thought I had earned the right to call her said name, she refused me, instead wanting the name I had given her the first time we talked.

I'm such a romantic.

Re-thinking, only reason I rebelled against my own soft heart-ed nature, is the fact when I first did so I felt good about myself. Which begs the question as to why I felt bad/ neutral about myself before. I can only think of that since I had (for a very soft time) embraced my affectionate nature, however despite my mind knowing that then (now) is clearly not the time to be thinking of any type of relationship, my newy free heart wanted to reach out but could find no one. No Girl, No Family, No Friend.  I do not wish to think that my new persona was formed just to protect my weak heart ... that seems the most pathetic excuse but is likely to be the correct one.


Dang.

I just want(ed) to be stronger.

I can't think straight....

I never wanted to be attractive ,in any sense of the word, in a girls' eyes. It's not about self-loathing, or anything. I've never been comfortable with the admiration I feel when I do something just in front of girls. Don't let the right hand know what the left is doing. or however that saying goes.

I don't think relationships are their to solely to castrate men anymore, but I still don't want to be in one. But the fact is, I don't have a choice but to not be in one. I wont lie about my sensitive/ affectionate nature. I wont deny it but I don't submit it. I don't like being alone, but I don't mind it either. It doesn't matter, It'll all be over soon.

I tried to be more upbeat than this, I really meant to. Please understand, I really wanted to sound positive, overall  I think I did. but in a very downbeat way, I'm sorry.

Girl on skype I see, I'm singing "Close to you" by the Carpenters. I don't care who it is.